In the season premiere of Game of Thrones, fates are revealed.
Disclaimer: If you haven’t watched this episode, for the love of the old gods and the new, DON’T READ THIS unless you don’t care about spoilers.
Well, people. It has been confirmed. Jon Snow, the Bastard of Winterfell and Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, is dead. But until I see him burn on a pyre or put in a grave, I won’t accept it. It’s Westeros for the Mother’s sake! White Walkers roam, dragons fly and sometimes, people come back from the dead. I’m praying that’s what happens with Jon Snow. He can’t be dead.
For now, Ser Davos and some of the Night’s Watch are keeping Jon’s body safe. Alliser Thorne has already explained to the rest of the Brothers why Jon was killed and he wants Davos gone. He comes to the door where Davos and the others are holed up, saying they can all surrender and no one will get hurt. Umm, yeah okay. Luckily, Jon’s friends aren’t falling for the banana in the tailpipe and are devising a plan.
In Winterfell, Ramsay Snow (or is it Bolton now?) is mourning the death of his crazy girlfriend, who plunged to her demise last season thanks to Theon’s quick thinking. Ramsay talks to his Maester about how he met the little psycho and his story is almost touching. The Maester asks what should be done with the body and Ramsay reminds us all of why he is a frightening “human being”: he tells his Maester to feed her to the dogs. Just, wow.
Roose talks with his son and tells him that he needs Sansa if they are to bring the other Houses of Winterfell together to fight against the Lannisters. The Houses won’t do that without her. Unfortunately, she’s nowhere to be found since she’s currently on the run with Theon. The two of them survived the jump from Winterfell and are trying to get as far away from Ramsay’s men and hounds as possible. They get to a frozen river and Sansa hesitates, saying she’ll die if she gets in that water. But Theon tells her dying by ice cold water would be a blessing compared to Ramsay’s way (I believe him). They slowly step in (not too slowly, though) and make it across. They find a place to hide and huddle there for a moment, trying to get warm. But the damn hounds are behind them still! Theon tells Sansa to head for the Wall and her brother Jon as he creates a diversion. Ramsay’s men ask where Sansa is hiding and Theon says she’s dead, but of course, they don’t buy it. The damn hounds sniff her out and she is surrounded. One of the men grabs her but then they hear a horse coming towards them. Who could that be?
It’s Brienne of fucking Tarth, that’s who! She rides up on her horse and starts slicing Ramsay’s men. I love watching Brienne fight because she puts her all into it. She grunts and groans and exclaims loudly, which is what she does as she’s cutting Ramsay’s men down one by one. At one point, Theon, who has been nothing but a sack of crazy since his stay with Ramsay, picks up a sword and you can almost see the change go through him as he holds it. Podrick is there, as well, doing his best not to get killed. That plan almost fails when he’s bested by one of Ramsay’s men, but Theon shoves a sword in the man’s chest and ends him quickly. After the fighting is done, Brienne kneels before Sansa and swears an oath to protect her. Sansa swears her oath (with a little help from Pod) to always offer her a place in her home and at her table. Thank the gods for that! At least one of the Starks is having some good luck.
Not so much for Our Rebel Arya, who is now blind. She’s been brought down very low, having to beg in the streets for money. As she sits there, looking pitiful, the waif (Faye Marsay) from the House of Black and White shows up and begins to beat the crap out of Arya. Our Rebel tries to fight back, but she lets the fear of not being able to see distract her. The waif beats Arya silly, stops and says she’ll see her tomorrow. Here’s hoping Arya is prepared.
In King’s Landing, the recovered Cersei is sitting in her salon when one of her handmaidens informs her of a ship from Dorne pulling into port. Cersei is ecstatic, as her daughter Myrcella has returned with Jaime. She’s returned alright, but not in the way she had hoped. When Cersei gets to the port, she sees Jaime standing at the front of the ship with Myrcella’s shrouded body behind him. Inside, the grieving mother remembers the prophecy the old witch foretold all those years ago. But Jaime doesn’t want to hear it. He will take his revenge on anyone who has hurt his family and he doesn’t give a shit about some prophecy. And we all know what happens when the Lannisters seek revenge, don’t we?
Elsewhere in King’s Landing, Margaery Tyrell is still in religious prison. Septa Unella is reading from the Westerosi version of the Bible to the fallen Queen, intermittently telling her to confess. Margaery has enough and demands to see her brother Loras. Well, that ain’t gonna sit right with the Septa, who closes her book and moves toward Margaery like she’s gonna beat that ass. Before she can get started, the High Sparrow walks in and sends Septa Unella to another cell. When she leaves, the High Sparrow speaks to Margaery about confessing her sins, but in a way that will make her want to spill them all, should she have any. Will she spill her secrets?
Speaking of Dorne, the Sand Snakes have decided they’ve had enough of the weak men in that country. Unbeknownst to him, that includes Oberyn’s brother, Prince Doran. Ellaria and her daughter Tyene strike and they take out the Prince and his bodyguard, while the rest of his men stand and watch. Apparently, Oberyn’s death was the last straw (hey, I don’t blame them, I loved that guy). Before he breathes his last, the Prince asks about his son Trystane. Ellaria tells him that the boy is weak and they have no use for anymore weak men. I hear that!
Trystane, who is in his room painting, is interrupted by Obara and Nymeria Sand, who admit they’ve come to kill him. But they give Trystane a choice as to who will do it. He goes for Nymeria because everyone knows he wouldn’t stand a chance against Obara. Trystane and Nymeria begin but Obara is impatient. She sticks her spear in Trystane’s head, killing him instantly. That move doesn’t sit well with her sister, who calls her a “greedy bitch.” What will happen to Dorne now?
In Meereen, the people are lost without their Mhysa. The last time they saw her, she was flying out of the arena on top of Drogon after the Sons of the Harpy attacked. No one has seen her since, and it’s up to Tyrion and Varys to keep the peace, which won’t be easy since the Sons seem to want chaos (as evidenced by the burning ships in port). While Halfman and the Spider try to keep order, Jorah and Daario are out looking for Dany. As they ride, they come across a clearing that looks like it has been trampled. Jorah knows exactly who did it, as evidenced by the large circle of hoof prints. Jorah gets off his horse and reviews the scene, eventually finding Dany’s ring that she dropped before being taken by the Dothraki horde.
On the road, our Khaleesi has been walking for days with the horde. They have no idea that she speaks Dothraki and two of the riders are deciding who will get to sleep with her. When the horde makes camp, Dany is taken to the Khal of the horde, Khal Moro (Joseph Naufahu) who’s almost as fine as Khal Drogo. The Khal’s wives tell him to cut off Dany’s head since she’s probably a witch with all of that white hair. Khal Moro says he’d rather see Dany naked and goes to rip off her dress, but the Khaleesi tells him in Dothraki not to try it. She also tells him who she is, but he could care less about her being the Mother of Dragons. But he does care when she tells him she was married to Khal Drogo. Everyone knew who he was and Khal Moro cuts her binds and tells her that no one will touch her. She asks that she be taken back to Meereen in exchange for a thousand horses, but the Khal’s wives then tell Dany that she’ll have to stay at Vaes Dothrak with the rest of widows. What about her people in Meereen? What about her dragons?
Back at Castle Black, Melisandre is in her room despairing over all of the events she did not foresee (including Jon’s “death”). She looks in the mirror and begins to disrobe. When she takes off the necklace, the red stone stops glowing (wait, what?) and when we see her in the mirror again, the Red Woman is old! Not old, friggin ancient! She doesn’t even look human she’s so old. Melisandre is the Westorosi version of Dorian Gray! How old is she? Where did she come from? And will that red stone work on Jon Snow????
Game of Thrones airs on Sunday at 9 p.m. on HBO.