In the latest episode of Game of Thrones, the Starks are gathering.
So unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know by now that Jon Snow is, indeed, back from the dead. HBO gave us all a treat by starting the show with the Lord Commander’s naked body rising from the table. I’d like to take a minute to thank whomever made that decision because it was the right one. The. Right. One. Okay, let’s move on.
Lord Commander Snow has risen and he is truly confused. He can’t understand why he’s back. He shouldn’t be alive, especially with the number of holes in his body thanks to his “Brothers.” Melisandre, the newest GOT MVP, came in to the room with her eyes wide open. She couldn’t believe her eyes and had so many questions for Jon, the main one being what did he see when he died. He gave the answer most of us dread when we think about death. “Nothing. There was nothing.” Thanks for that.
Later, Jon, back in his Lord Commander’s outfit, stepped out like a boss so that everyone could see that he was alive. The men, understandably, all had the same looks on their faces that basically said, “What in the actual fuck is this sorcery?” Jon slowly made his way through the crowd until he met with Tormund Giantsbane. The Wildling may be a lot of things, but a friend of Jon’s he truly is. The two embraced after Tormund made a joke about Jon’s penis (which we all know is a LIE). Jon, clearly still in pain from his murder, actually smiled. When he sees his friend Ed, he walks toward him and the men embrace. Ed mentions Jon’s eyes still being brown and asks if it really is him in there. Jon confirms it by telling a joke. Yes, Jon Snow, the Stark most like his father, Lord Eddard, told a funny. Ed, knowing this was something his friend would never do, asks again if it really is him in there.
Farther away, Bran is warging with the Three-Eyed Raven again. This time, he sees Ned Stark (played by hottie Robert Aramayo) as a grown, but still very young man, approaching Ser Arthur Dayne (played by hottie Luke Roberts). He’s brought some backup with him because, as most of you recall, Dayne is the best swordsman in the Seven Kingdoms, his nickname being the Sword of the Morning . Ned and his men, including Jojen’s and Meera’s father, Howland Reed (played by, yes, hottie Leo Woodruff)) have come to find his sister Lyanna, who was kidnapped by Prince Rhaegar (sp?). The Mad King has been killed and Robert Baratheon is now on the Iron Throne. It was time to rescue his sister, who may or may not be in the tower before him. Unfortunately, the only way to find out was to fight Dayne. And what a fight it is, with Dayne going full two-sword badassery on Ned and his men. Dayne quickly dispatches of Ned’s men, leaving them to fight mano y mano. Bran is watching all of this and wondering how his father ever defeated Ser Arthur, as he clearly was the better fighter. Unfortunately, Bran learns that it was Howland Reed who stabbed Dayne in the back, with Ned striking the final blow. After, Ned hears a scream from the top of the tower and makes his way up the steps. Bran wants to know who it is and follows his father, even though the Three-Eyed Raven is like, “Nah man, not yet.” Bran’s like, “Suck it old man, I’m going.” He calls after his father and NED HEARS HIM. What the duck?? Ned slowly turns around, but sees nothing and continues up to the tower. Bran starts to follow but the 3IDR brings him out of the vision. COME ON!!! Bran is understandably pissed and basically says, “Fuck you! Take me back. And fuck you!” But the 3IDR says Bran won’t be in that underground hovel too long but he needs to learn everything. Okay you could have told him that crap AFTER he went to the tower!
Across the sea, Our Rebel Arya is back at the House of Black and White, going through some serious Matrix training. She’s still getting her ass kicked by the Waif and learning how to rely on her other senses besides her sight. She also talks about who she was before she was no one. When she mentions having four brothers, the Waif slaps her hand and Arya corrects herself by saying she has three brothers and a half-brother. I call bullshit on that one! Jon is her brother, screw his lineage! The Waif then asks about Arya’s Death List, which is surprisingly short. The Waif asks Arya if there wasn’t anyone else she wanted to add to the list and Our Rebel shuts her ass up Anyway, Arya eventually learns enough to knock the Waif on her ass and satisfy Jaqen. He offers her some Death Water and she hesitates. Her teacher basically tells her that if she truly is no one, then she has nothing to fear. Says the man who doesn’t have to drink the Death Water! Arya drinks and when she opens her eyes, she has her sight once again.
In Winterfell, Ramsay Bolton and his buttplug Harald Karstark are trying to get the Umbers to pledge their allegiance. Smalljon Umber (played by another hottie, Dean S. Jagger) basically tells the men to kiss his Umber ass cuz he ain’t kneeling or kissing Ramsay’s ring. But he does need help against the Wildlings and he has just the thing to persuade Ramsay to do it. He brings in two prisoners and they turn out to be the Wildling Osha and little Rickon Stark. Only he ain’t so little and he looks pissed instead of scared. Ramsay wants proof that the boy is indeed Rickon. Umber plops the severed head of Rickon’s direwolf, Shaggy Dog, on the table and the smile on his creepy face makes me scared for Lord Stark.
Back at Castle Black, Jon is still brooding about his recent stint from the dead, but mostly about what was done to him prior. The man tried to do what was right and got a bunch of knives in his gut for his trouble. Being Lord Commander, though, comes with perks, I mean responsibilities. The main one being executioner. Jon heads out and we see the men who murdered Jon ready to be hung (or is it hanged?), including that little shithead Olly. I normally do not approve of that kind of thing, but I’ll make an exception here. The Lord Commander gives each man a chance to speak and they do, except for Olly. Ser Alliser was the only one who went out like a boss, which doesn’t surprise me. But Olly’s hatred for Jon was palpable and it hurt him deeply. He hesitated for a moment, but then cut the rope and all four men met their ends. The hanging left a bad taste in Jon’s mouth and he basically said fuck this. He took off his Lord Commander cape, gave it to Ed and said that his watch had ended. Jon did a figurative mic drop and walked out of Castle Black.
Except for Arya, the Starks seem to be assembling in the North. What does that mean for them and everything that’s happened so far? Will Jon and Sansa meet on the road? What of Osha and Rickon? And will Jon make us all happy and slaughter Ramsay Bolton and retake Winterfell?
Game of Thrones airs on Sunday at 9 p.m. on HBO.
Photos courtesy of HBO.