In the latest episode of Game of Thrones: everything changed.
This will be more of a rant than a recap. Why? Because GOT, David Benioff, D.B. Weiss and the rest of those fuckers don’t care about their viewers. They KNOW how much we love the characters, but do they care? NOOOOOOOOO!
First, the show lulls us into a false sense of security, with lots of walking and talking. Dany and Tyrion are talking strategy on Dragonstone. It starts out innocent enough, with Dany basically admitting that she has feelings for Jon Snow. She and her Hand talk some more and then Tyrion makes the mistake of telling Dany that she loses her temper from time to time. Well, she didn’t like that shit one bit and started getting scarier by the moment. She may not like to admit it, but Dany is becoming more and more like her father, the Mad King. It’s taking a bit longer for her to get there, thank the Mother, but her Targaryen gene is making a strong appearance. But will it get Tyrion killed in the process?
Then we see Sansa and Arya at Winterfell, in what seemed like a nice trip down memory lane. Arya talked of their father, Ned (the true G of Winterfell), who watched as she secretly practiced using a bow and arrow until she hit the bullseye. Then Arya fucks up that trip by accusing Sansa of helping the Lannisters kill their father. Turns out that the letter Arya found in Littlefinger’s mattress was the letter Sansa wrote to Robb asking him to come to King’s Landing and swear fealty to the Brat King Joffrey. Sansa tried to explain, but Arya wasn’t trying to hear any of it. But Sansa’s grown some balls herself, and she told Arya that she should be on her knees thanking her for saving Winterfell (she really did, you know). Thanks to Littlefinger’s scheming, the Stark sisters are at odds and may actually come to blows (or knives).
And then we have Jon and his boys. They’re all walking beyond the Wall to catch a walker and bring it to Cersei. During the walk, viewers were treated to some funny and touching moments. The funniest moment was between Tormund and the Hound. Clegane doesn’t want to talk to Tormund, but when has that ever stopped Mr. Ginger from running his mouth anyway? Tormund mentions that he has a woman waiting for him at Winterfell. “Yellow hair. Blue eyes. Tallest woman you’ve ever seen. Almost as tall as you.” Well that got Clegane’s attention. “Brienne of Tarth? You’re with Brienne of fucking Tarth?” Tormund then went on to talk about he and Brienne’s future plans. “I want to make babies with her. Think of them. Great big monsters. They’d conquer the world.” I would LOVE to see Tormund and Brienne with great big monster babies. But remember, GOT doesn’t care what we want.
And they really showed us by giving us all fucking panic attacks. The Fellowship of the Wall turned into fucking Thunderdome when the group finally found the Army of the Dead. But before any of that other craziness, the men walked into a snowstorm and a damn bear. A dead bear with blue eyes. That thing came out of nowhere and started eating the men we don’t really care about (it’s true, though). Wait, not one bear. Two! Two huge dead bears. The men started fighting them off, with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros lighting their swords up with flames, turning their swords into Westeros’ version of a lightsaber. Beric stabbed one of the bears with his sword and it caught fire. It looked like it was going to fall but then it gathered its strength and went straight for the Hound. But he froze, leaving Thoros to try and kill the beast. The bear got the sword away from Thoros and proceeded to chew on his chest. Jorah finally saved the day, stabbing the bear and killing it, all the while Clegane is still standing there frozen. Afterwards, Beric cauterized Thoros’ wound with his fire sword and the men continued on their trek. And things just got progressively worse from there.
Later, after spotting the Army of the Dead, a scout and some of his soldiers surveyed the area and were jumped by Jon and the rest. They put up a good fight, and then Jon took Longclaw and sliced the scout in half, which set off a chain reaction and killed all but one of the soldiers. The men grabbed the lone survivor, but that thing let out an unholy screech that alerted the rest of the army to its distress. All of a sudden, nothing but thunder and snow clouds started coming their way. Jon got into Lord Commander mode and told Gendry to run for Eastwatch and send a raven to Dany. Gendry hauled ass and the rest of the men did the same in the other direction. They ran across a barely iced over lake with one of Jon’s men falling and being swarmed by the walkers. The fall broke the ice and hundreds of walkers fell into the water. Unfortunately, they all fell in a circle that surrounded the Fellowship and they were stuck. The Night King, ever patient, just waited them out. Really, he was just waiting for the lake to freeze again, which did by the morning.
Clegane, trying to keep warm and stay alive, started throwing rocks at one of the walkers. He hit one, but it just stayed put. Then he threw another one and it landed right by the walker’s feet. It didn’t break the ice. The walker figured that out (which is hella creepy) and it started walking towards the men. They all got up and prepared for battle. And damn was it ever a battle. The men fought them off bravely. Too many times, I thought we were going to lose one of them, with Tormund coming way too fucking close to dying (damn you, writers). Eventually, it looked like it was all over for them, but then Dany rode in on Drogon, with Viserion and Rhaegal right behind them. The dragons started spitting fire, blasting the walkers left and right. All looked like it was going to be won, but then the Night King (and the writers) fucked our whole world up.
Not to be outdone, the Night King grabbed one of his ice spears, slowly walked to a good spot and threw his spear like he was trying to win the gold. The spear hit one of Dany’s dragons, knocking Viserion out of the sky. Dany, Jon and the rest watched in horror as the great beast fell, and fucking DIED, sinking into the freezing water. The Night King, ready to try for gold medal number two grabbed another ice spear and prepared to take out Drogon. Jon screamed for Dany to leave right now while fighting off more walkers. Dany saw the Night King prepare to aim, and Drogon took off. The spear barely missed our fave dragon and they flew for the Wall. Jon and the walkers fell into the freezing water and I literally jumped out of my damn seat because NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL IS JON SNOW GOING TO DIE AGAIN! Thankfully, GOT gave enough of a shit about us to keep him alive a little longer. He broke through the freezing water, barely making it out of the hole. He grabbed Longclaw, and slowly made his way towards the walkers. Jon was going to fight until his last breath, and that is why we love him.
The walkers started making their way towards the King in the North, but then an unknown rider stopped them before they could get to Jon. It was Uncle Benjen, doing his last bit of good for House Stark. He gave Jon his horse and told his nephew to ride. As the luckiest man in Westeros rode for the Wall, he watched as his Uncle’s watch ended. Another Stark falls.
At the Wall, Dany is watching for Jon. Her face says it all: she wants her man back. Before she called it a night and left for Dragonstone, the Night’s Watch horn blew one time (remember: once for riders, twice for Wildlings, three times for white walkers). It was Jon and he was almost frozen. He was taken to bed, with his frozen clothes being torn off of him, leaving us with a wonderful glimpse of Jon Snow’s chest and abs (thank you, writers). And for the first time, Dany saw the scars from the knives that killed him, although she had no idea where they came from. Later, Jon woke to Dany staring at him. He apologized for the loss of Viserion and she said she would fight with him now that she’s seen the Night King. Grateful, Jon said he would bend the knee. The two shared a look but ended it before it got too hot in there.
And beyond the wall, the Night King won the fucking gold. He had his soldiers pull Viserion from the water, waking the dead beast and turning it into an ICE DRAGON!!
What the fuck is going to happen now?
Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9pm on HBO. Photos courtesy of HBO.