In the season finale of Game of Thrones, so many feelings, so little time.
Okay so I must issue an apology to Game of Thrones. Last week, I said that the show doesn’t care about its viewers thanks to all of the heartache we’ve endured over the years. Last week’s episode was no different, with the death and iced-out resurrection of Dany’s dragon Viserion and Sansa’s long-lasting stupidity trusting Littlefinger. Well folks, GOT must have had viewers like me in mind because “The Dragon and the Wolf” was damned satisfying. Let’s get to it.
The show opens at King’s Landing, the site of the Iron Throne and where the ultimate game of thrones is played. The Unsullied are already in formation and ready for battle outside the Red Keep, while the Lannister army is preparing. Bronn, now a Lord, is overseeing preparations. He’s never seen the Unsullied in action but he’s heard stories, so Bronn of the Blackwater is making sure the army is ready. He meets up with Jaime to survey the scene. “Men without cocks,” is how the conversation begins. Because it’s Bronn. He doesn’t understand why they even bother fighting without said cocks. What’s the point? The two men reflect, with Jaime coming to the conclusion that it all just comes down to cocks. The current administration is the perfect shitty example of that statement. Just then, the Dothraki ride in, giving Bronn the shivers. He and Jaime remember what happened at Highgarden and don’t want a repeat.
On the water, Tyrion and Jon are sailing into King’s Landing. Jon doesn’t understand why anyone would want to live there, being so cramped (kind of like New York). Halfman mentions there being more jobs and far more superior brothels (he should know). Once docked, they make their way to the old dragon pit, where Valyrian the Dread was once housed. They meet up with Bronn and a few Gold Cloaks, with Brienne and Pod having already arrived. The Hound’s and Brienne’s eyes meet and both are quite shocked to see the other alive. The group then continues on to the dragon pit.
Pod and Tyrion meet up, greeting each other warmly. They exchange a few words before Bronn interrupts. “You can suck his magic cock later,” because it’s Bronn. Brienne and the Hound meet up and the two come to a truce. Brienne tells the Hound that Arya is alive and back in Winterfell. When he asks who’s protecting Lady Stark if Brienne is in King’s Landing, she basically tells him that Arya is a badass and can take care of herself. Knowing this, Clegane actually smiles. Wait, is there a spark between these two? Side Note: I love the fact that Brienne, someone who others may not find traditionally beautiful (I’m not one of them, I think she’s gorgeous) has lots of choices on the male front. Jaime has a special place for her in his heart, whether he wants to admit it or not, Tormund wants to “have babies with her,” and now possibly the Hound? Alright, Brienne!
In her chambers, Cersei is meeting with Jaime and Qyburn. She wants to know why Dany isn’t with Tyrion, which truly vexes her. She tells the Mountain that if anything goes wrong to “kill the silver-haired bitch first,” then Tyrion and Jon. Jaime looks at his sister like she has a screw loose, but dude you already knew this! They all leave for the gathering.
Once Cersei arrives and everyone is seated, the first thing the Queen would like to know is where’s Dany. Well she gets her answer when they hear the dragons approaching. Dany rides in on Drogon and when he lands, he lets out a crazy roar. Then he creeps down off the wall, daring anyone to mess with him or his momma, especially now that his brother’s been killed. Cersei looks shook (as she should) because Dany could have backstabbed them all and had a Targaryen barbecue. Instead, she showed her true power while still honoring the truce. Drogon lowered his mother down to the ground like a G and then flew off. Once Dany is seated, the gathering begins.
Tyrion being the wordsmith, he began talking to the crowd, but was interrupted by that lunatic Euron. He yelled to Theon that he had Yara and if he didn’t submit to him, he would kill her. Tyrion tried to keep things civil but Euron is a brute. He starts making dwarf jokes, and not even good ones. Before he can make things worse, Jaime tells him to sit down. When that doesn’t work, Cersei tells him to “sit down or leave,” with the Mountain stepping up in case Euron needs more convincing. He doesn’t and sits his ass down. Tyrion continues. He talks of the bad blood between everyone and how none of that shit really matters. Jon steps up and talks of the army of the dead. Cersei thinks it’s nonsense so they provide proof. The Hound carries the box containing the white walker, which makes a beeline for Cersei before the Hound yanks it back. It runs for the Hound and he cuts it in half, but it still moves. The Hound cuts off its arm, which is still wiggling. Qyburn’s creepy ass gets up, walks over to the hand and picks it up. You just know he was trying to figure out how to make one of those things for himself. He hands the arm to Jon, who demonstrates how the walkers can be killed: with fire and dragon glass. Euron walks up to the dead walker and asks if the rest can swim. When Jon tells him no, Euron says, welp, good luck with this. I’m out. Dany tells everyone that she’s seen the army herself. Jaime asks how many and she tells him one hundred thousand easily. His face is like, “seriously??” and Cersei changes her mind about the truce. With one condition: Jon Snow is to go back to Winterfell and stay there. He does not engage, he does not take sides. Simple enough. But nooooooooo, Jon does the honorable thing and says he’s Team Dany, royally pissing Cersei off. She goes back to the castle with her entourage in tow.
Brienne tries to convince Jaime to speak to Cersei about changing her mind, but Jaime knows his sister’s nuts now (and jealous of his relationship with Brienne) so that would be a no. Tyrion, pissed at Jon himself , asks him why he just didn’t lie. Jon basically says words mean things, which made me automatically think of Crissle of The Read podcast, who has made that very statement on numerous occasions. Tyrion takes it upon himself to meet with his sister, even though she’s more than likely going to chop off his head. With the Mountain behind him, Tyrion takes the long walk to Cersei. He meets up with Jaime, who himself made no headway with their sister. Tyrion thinks he can do it even though his sister is in a mood. When he walks into her chambers, she is definitely in a mood, and the meeting could go either way. She talks of his killing their father and how it left the Lannisters vulnerable, leaving Tommen and Myrcella open for death. Tyrion offers his head and tells Cersei that if he’s such a threat, to kill him. The Mountain stands at the ready but Cersei, for some reason, doesn’t give the go ahead. Relieved, Tyrion does what any of us would have done in that situation: have wine. Lots of it, if possible. He drinks a cup, then pours one for his sister and leaves it on the table. If you remember, that was their thing. They traded barbs and drank wine. This situation was graver, but still the same. The siblings sat together and came to an understanding. Or so we hope?
In the dragon pit, Dany and Jon talk about their situation, but also of what happened to the Targaryens. Dany believes that the dragon pit was the beginning of the end of her family, diminishing their dragons and making them just like everyone else. But Jon doesn’t think so, he thinks she’s amazing. The two start making googly eyes at each other but are interrupted when Tyrion walks out unscathed. Moments later, Cersei and her entourage return. She tells everyone that her army will march North to fight against the Night King. That’s good news, but I feel a set up coming.
While this shit is going on in King’s Landing, more craziness is happening at Winterfell. Sansa still has Littlefinger whispering in her ear about Arya. They play a game, and Sansa comes to the conclusion that Arya wants to kill her and become Lady of Winterfell. Really? That’s what you think? Even though Arya has NEVER shown an ounce of interest in being a lady? Okay, girl.
At Dragonstone, Jon, Dany and the rest are strategizing. Jon thinks he and Dany should arrive together but Jorah thinks she should ride one of her dragons to avoid being killed. We all knew which way Dany would go since she gave Jon the googly-eyes before making her decision. The two will arrive in the North, together. After the meeting, Theon asks to speak with Jon. The poor man is trying to make amends, but when you have no penis and have been labeled a coward, it’s hard. But Jon tells him that for the things he can forgive him for, he will. He also tells Theon that he does not have to choose between being a Greyjoy or a Stark: he is a Greyjoy and and Stark. Theon tells Jon that he needs to save Yara because she was the only one who tried to save her from Ramsay Bolton. “Then why are still here talking to me?” Jon asks, then walks away, leaving Theon to make a decisions.
Outside, Theon walks up to the remaining Greyjoy men. He wants them to help him find Yara, but they don’t want any part of him. One of the men spits on Theon and begins beating his ass. But Theon fights back, getting back up every time he’s knocked down. The dude he fights knees him in the goods and realizes that Theon has no goods, so it doesn’t hurt. Theon proceeds to beat the shit out of that dude, knocking him out. He stands up and says, “If not for me, then for Yara!” The men cheer and they prepare to find Yara. Well done, Theon.
Back at Winterfell, Sansa is standing outside, looking pensive. She comes to a decision and demands that Arya be brought to the Great Hall. When Arya arrives, Bran is sitting next to her with Littlefinger standing to the side with a smirk on his face. Arya asks her sister if she really wants to do this, and Sansa answers in the affirmative. The charges are treason and murder, but not for Arya. FOR LITTLEFINGER!! Yes, Lord, Sansa finally woke her ass up and called Lord Baelish out for his shenanigans. He stood there for a moment, confused. “My sister asked you a question,” is what Arya said. And yall know she doesn’t play. Littlefinger starts stammering but Sansa doesn’t want to hear it. She mentioned Lysa’s death, the poisoning of Jon Arryn, Lysa’s husband, the betrayal of their father Ned Stark. Lord Baelish denies everything and says that none of the people in the room were there. Then Bran’s green-seeing ass brings the receipts!! “You held a knife to his throat. You said, ‘I did warn you not to trust me.’” Lord Baelish is SHOOK!! He starts pleading with Sansa but she’s done with his shit. Sansa must have had a very long talk with Bran to learn the whole truth about Littlefinger. He’s the reason that the conflict between the Lannisters and Starks began, why the War of the Five Kings was started, and why so many people died in the process. “I’m a slow learner. It’s true. But I learn.” Sansa is done. She thanks Littlefinger for all that he taught her about being Taylor Swift a snake and then Arya slices his throat. Watching Lord Baelish breathe his last breath was most satisfying.
In King’s Landing, Jaime is preparing for the long road to the North. Cersei, however, has no intentions of sending her troops to the North. She plans to take back all of the lands that belong to the Crown. Jaime tries to talk her out of it because hello, the dead are coming. But she doesn’t give a shit, she wants power and that is all. She mentions that the Iron Bank is behind House Lannister, and the gold from Highgarden bought them the Golden Company, the greatest army in Essos. She conspired with Euron to bring the Golden Company to Westeros but Jaime is like, who the fuck cares about this??!! We need to honor our promise. Cersei’s like, dude, I’m the Queen so you do as I say or else. He’s like whatevs and makes his way out of there, but the Mountain stands in his way. Jaime looks at his sis and asks if she’s going to order him to kill him. Cersei says, “I told you no one walks away from me.” Jaime’s like, do it then!! And then Cersei NODS HER HEAD AT THE MOUNTAIN AND HE UNSHEATHES HIS SWORD!!! But Jaime calls her bluff and says, “I don’t believe you.” He walks away with the quickness and Cersei just watches her brother/lover go. You know shit has changed when the one person you’ve always been closest to decides to have her murderous zombie kill you. Now what?
Outside, Jaime is on his horse, ready to go. But to where? He puts a glove over his metal hand, and then stops. Snow is falling from the sky. Winter is here. Snow begins to fall in King’s Landing and for once, all is quiet. For now.
Back at Winterfell, Samwell and Gilly arrive. Inside, Sam meets up with Bran, is sitting by the fire. Sam asks Bran what happened to him beyond the Wall. When Bran answers, “I became the Three-Eyed Raven,” Sam makes that face you make when you want to act like you know something but know you damn well don’t. “Ohh. I don’t know what that means.” Bran starts the “I can see everything” spiel, and then he says, “Jon needs to know.” WHATTTTTT?? Is GOT about to finally tell us all about Jon??? Yes, it is! Bran tells Sam that Jon is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. He was born in the Tower of Joy in Dorne, which made him a Sand, not a Snow. But wait!! Samwell remembered transcribing a journal by a maester that said Jon’s parents were married!! For the record, GILLY WAS THE ONE WHO DISCOVERED THAT FACT, NOT YOU SAMWELL TARLY!!! GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!!! Anywho, Sam asked Bran if he could go back to that time and we see the silver-haired dragon marrying the dark-haired wolf. They were in love, and Jon came from that love. And his real name is AEGON TARGARYEN, just like Aegon the Conqueror!! So, Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie: Lyanna dumped his ass for a Targaryen and he probably couldn’t handle it. So instead of taking it like a man, he started an entire war and made himself King, but his dumbass still lost Lyanna in the end. If he had gotten over it and treated Cersei right, she would have been a completely different person (watch Season 1 again for that revelation).
But enough of that, OH MY GOD JON IS A TARGARYEN AND HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE!! Wait, OH MY GOD JON IS A TARGARYEN AND HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE!! He’s related to Dany and they ARE HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW!! Then why do I feel so conflicted?? Why am I so happy they got together and so repulsed by it, as well?? For one, that’s just NASTY, but in hindsight, the Targaryens have been marrying each other for centuries. And to be fair, Jon and Dany have no clue they’re related. Cuz you know Jon would never have touched her. He’s too much like Ned. It also explains why he’s so good at pretty much everything (except lying). So now what?
Back at Winterfell, the Stark sisters discuss what transpired in the Great Hall. Arya tells her sister that she did the right thing and that she is Lady of Winterfell. “Does that bother you?” Sansa asks. “I was never going to be as good a lady as you.” And she was right. Sansa was born to rule and now that she has a backbone and is using her brain fully, she will do well. The two remember the words of their father:
When the snows fall and the white winds blow
The lone wolf dies but the pack survives
Ned would be proud.
But that ain’t the end, folks. Nah, there’s even MORE. Bran sits by the Heart Tree in his family’s garden. He is flying. He sees Eastwatch by the Sea, where our man Tormund is keeping watch with Beric Dondarrion. They look down and see the Army of the Dead coming out of the woods. Thousands of them. They blow the horn three times, signaling walkers have arrived. Then the walkers stop in their tracks, just waiting. A sound in the clouds. It’s Viserion, reborn as an ice dragon. The Night King is coming.
Viserion spews ice-cold fire and the men of Eastwatch do the only thing they can: run. Tormund and the rest start running for cover, because they will be absolutely no match for the Night King and his new dragon. And he is right. Viserion breathes more ice-cold fire and starts cutting through the wall like it’s nothing. Eventually, Eastwatch by the Sea becomes Eastwatch in the Sea, as the giant block of ice comes tumbling down, leaving a path for the dead to walk through (I swear to the Mother, Tormund had better be alive). The Great War is coming.
How will the North survive this invasion? What will the Starks do when they learn Jon is a Targaryen? Will Jon claim the Iron Throne when he finds our he’s the heir? Will Dany let him? And will Cersei survive without Jaime?
Game of Thrones will return in 2019 (SERIOUSLY???) on HBO. Photos courtesy of HBO.
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